The holiday season came upon me so fast.  As it always does, I suppose.  I think about the people grieving at this time of year, spending their first holiday without their loved one.  Many more who have lost someone during this time and the season becomes a painful, yearly reminder of who has died.  I have recently spent just over a week caring for my father in the hospital after he needed a fairly urgent surgery.  His hospital recovery lasting a week.  Because he was in Toronto and the rest of my family lives a couple hours north, where he also lives, I took on the responsilbilty to care for him.  My Sister and Brother-in-law have taken good care of my parents over the years since I moved away.  It seemed more than fair I contribute as I could.  My Dad is incredibly hard of hearing.  He has worn 2 hearings aids for probably 40 years.  It’s been years since he could talk on the phone.  He really needed an extra set of ears at the hospital and because of the pain medication, someone to review with the nurses and jot down recaps for the day, what to focus on and what tomorrow looks like.  My Dad is pragmatic and his will and his final wishes for cremation and a memorial service were reviewed with me prior to his surgery should he die. I spent an average of 6 hours a day with him but for the first day which was 12 hours while we waited.  All while the merriment of the holidays came upon me.  It was an emotionally and physically exhausting experience.  There is an underlying aspect to the experience which I identified at the end.  It had to do with the emotions I was having spending so much time with him.  I have complicated feelings about our relationship and the way I grew up.  Like many I am sure.  There are wounds I suppose I thought I had healed and moved on from.  I realized that I felt like a failure for not being able to balance caring for him and getting my own work done.  I had fallen into bad, old habits. I felt selfish for feeling tired while he was the one in pain.  I felt set back with the realization that I had unresolved feelings.  I talked with my husband about everything and in doing so, asked myself how do I be kind to my father and kind to myself.  It is not anyone’s fault that I felt exhausted except mine.  I must identify my own limits as I cannot help anyone unless I am caring for myself.  Despite any mixed emotion, my father has given me many intangible gifts over the years.  I want to feel good about the care I give and that it is freely given.  Without guilt, anger or resentment.  I have learned a lot about myself in the last week.

I return to thinking about the many people I have served in funeral services.  They were and are going through something akin to this and much more, many for much longer than one week.  Unlike my experience, for these families it resulted in the death of a loved one. I have a gift and desire to comfort the bereaved by providing a balance of compassionate and professional service.  This past week has deepened my admiration and empathy for those I serve.  I remember that I must be taking care of myself to truly serve others.   My sincerest warm wishes for those grieving this season and all year long.  A chat with family, a friend or professional resources requires that you make the phone call and reach out. Not an easy step sometimes but often necessary.

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