“I Don’t Want A Funeral”
This is a common phrase I hear, not just with the families I have worked with over the years but in my own family. Both my uncle and my godmother passed away this year and neither wanted a funeral.
People don’t want to be “laid out”, meaning they don’t want people to view them in an open casket. There may be many reasons for this, amoung them is often a lengthy illness and not wanting to be remembered in their current state.
People don’t want to be a burden. They believe the stressful planning on their family in a short time span and the sadness therein will be a burden.
People think funerals are too expensive. They believe their family could do much better things with the money.
People don’t want the services to be in a funeral home setting. They don’t feel the warmth or reflectiveness in a dour atmosphere where a clergy person shares a cookie cutter service and knows nothing about them. Funeral homes have been described by some as cold, lonely, out of date and uninspiring.
For those who say or have said “I don’t want a funeral”, it is of interest to note they almost always say yes when asked, to a intimate family Memorial gathering at a later date or a Celebration of Life in a place that is meaningful and allows people to reflect on the best parts of their life.
There is no need to be laid out. With more time to plan, the burden is eased. It doesn’t have to be as expensive as a traditional funeral. And it definitely doesn’t have to be in a funeral home.
In the absence of the funeral, we are saying “we know what we don’t want”. But what do we want? What was beneficial?
Healing and connection.
Celebrations of Life and Memorial Services offer this with value.
Family and friends coming together to share grief. Often it is tears and laughter. While people don’t want a funeral for their loved one, they do want to connect. They do need support. People outside the immediate family want to support you. To share memories, to make a donation in their honour, to bring you a casserole when you’re too bereaved to take care of yourself. A gathering allows this opportunity for people to come together and there is so much healing in sharing the burden of grief. To remember that you are loved and cared for and have people you can depend on during this difficult time often comes about from a dedicated memorial. When someone dies, people aren’t sure what to say. They may be afraid to call you and bother you. They might assume that because you aren’t having a Memorial you want to grieve privately. A Celebration of Life allows the family to take control of their healing by having it in a timeframe that works for them where they are not pressured or rushed or still raw with emotion. It no longer needs to be an event done in two days time. This means a more thoughtful approach can go into planning. What do we really want to convey through a slideshow and memory items, in a carefully selected venue. A customized event is just the opposite of why they didn’t want a funeral. Creating the atmosphere where people get to laugh and cry and share a story during the open mic. A celebrant who has taken countless hours to craft a thoughtful service that is all about your loved one. The florist creates pieces from scratch, no picture A, B or C. Crafted from a place of knowing and understanding the tone, the loves and joys of the one who has passed, their interests and design of the event. With more notice, more family and friends can plan to attend. Those who are out of town or out of country. The family controls the budget. When people say funerals are too expensive, what I believe they are really saying is, I don’t see value in a funeral. If someone told you instead of $16,000 for the full traditional funeral (in Toronto) it will only cost $1000, it wouldn’t really matter because you don’t want to be laid out in a funeral home setting with a clergy you don’t know anyway. Spending reflects values. $10,000, if you have it, for the most beautiful, memorable, custom Celebration of Life will be more than worth it. Because it has value.
We work in service of families to help navigate the new traditions of our aging population, the boomers. From the generation who is all about making it custom, they have shown us how to bring meaning to our lives when we memorialize them. We want to fill the gap between “I don’t want a funeral” and not having anything. We want to help people heal and connect.
